Is it really that time again?!

5 May

Well, here I am at the end of another semester. My apartment looks like a tornado ran through it as I’m trying to pack up for what is sure to be a crazy summer. In a couple weeks I start my internship with Land O’Lakes and will be living in St. Paul with my cousin! I’m super duper nervous for the internship but really excited as well.

So for my semester recap, it’s quite different than the last time I did this. If you recall my last semester recollections, it was all pretty happy-go-lucky. Which was fantastic. Fall 2011 was amazing and mostly carefree and I really needed it to snap me out of my funk from the year before. But spring 2012 was a little different. This semester pulled me back into reality. And reality is, I have a lot of unfinished business in my head and in my heart that needed to be dealt with. I posted this entry that received INCREDIBLE feedback. Literally hundreds of you wrote to me with words of sympathy, encouragement, and even sharing similar experiences. I was on an emotional high from  having such a huge weight lifted off my chest, but truth is that wasn’t enough to heal what was going on under the surface. I started to realize the things I have blogged about since then, like the fact that I still have trust issues, I still put up walls, I’m still paranoid, I still think completely irrationally. And what I hate the most, is that I still take it out on those closest to me.

Talking with my therapist all semester, she helped me realize a lot of the thinking patterns that my brain is still trained to do. I loved talking to her each week because it brought me from “omg I’m crazy why do I think like this and why can’t I make it stop” to realizing that I think this way for a reason and that it’s completely normal for someone who has been through what I have. BUT here’s the kicker that took me all semester to realize– just because it’s normal, and I have a good reason, and it’s to be expected– doesn’t mean it’s an EXCUSE. For me to sit around and be like “this is why I feel the way I feel” but then do nothing about it is just as bad as if I was feeling this way for no reason. Ya know? So like, I’m trying to actually change the way I think. It’s hard but after getting a lot of feedback from those close to me I’m more determined than ever to get back to the old me.

Here’s an example:
I was talking to Teresa about how I’m so anal and OCD about details and plans. How I’m always having to know exactly what’s going on, like before I can decide if I want to do something with friends, I need to know exactly who’s going to be there, where we are going to be, how long we are going to be there, etc. And I worry myself way too much over those minor details, and if things change somewhere along the road, it stresses me out to the max and I usually just want to go home at that point. And it’s weird because I never used to be like that. In fact, I think it used to drive my parents crazy, cuz in high school it was always “Where are you going to be?” “Oh, I dunno. We’ll see.” “How long are you going to be out?” “I don’t know. Depends what we do.” and I was seriously the WORST at making solid plans. So Teresa said “Ok so by nature, you’re actually a very laid-back person” and we kind of laughed about it because laid-back is one of the last words I’d use to describe myself now. But it’s true. I was. And then she went on to say while by nature I’m laid-back, now by conditioning, I’m high-strung and OCD. So what made me that way? And then it hit me. When I was with a controlling and jealous boyfriend for two years, I HAD to know all of those details if I ever did anything without him. If I didn’t give a full report of every single little possible detail before I left the house, suddenly I was “being shady” or “cheating” or doing something behind his back. Even with all those details I was usually eventually accused of lying, but still. I’m just so used to having to know all of that information beforehand, and as soon as things change I’d start worrying because those unplanned changes were the things that would get me in trouble with him. So, seeing a clear and concrete reason for me acting the way I do makes it easier to understand how to stop it. And realize that that’s not how I’m meant to live.

And I think that by me continuing to live like this and always be like “oh poor me look at what my ex made me become” is only keeping him in control. So as difficult as it is, I’m trying really hard change the way I think. For those of you who have stuck by my side through all of this, you are incredible. I can’t thank you enough. I love each and every one of you to the moon and back. For those who have taken this as an excuse to walk away, well, that’s your loss. Because I know for a fact that I’m going to come out of this better than ever. And I’m going to remember those who were there through thick and thin.

I think that being in the cities this summer is going to be super good for me, just to get away from all the familiarity and triggers and give me the time and space to work on myself. And, it’s going to be a blast. :) I’m so so excited to live with my cousin, we were like besties when we were little and always talked about living together one day, who would’ve thought it’d come true? :) And my best friend from Scholastica will be interning in St. Paul too, and I’m also going to be closer to my soul-sista (who I got to hang out with this semester for the first time in like five years and it was THE BEST EVER) and just all in all it’s going to be awesome. As long as my internship doesn’t kill me… haha. Crossing my fingers.

Anyways. Blah blah. Those are my thoughts. It’s been a crazy roller coaster of emotions these last couple months and again, I can’t thank enough those who hung on through all the late-night phone calls, listening to me rant, dealing with my bs, spending time with me when I was a pain in the ass, and just generally being a good friend :) I love you all.

Now I’m out of things to say so I guess it’s time to go be productive. Happy finals week!

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3 Responses to “Is it really that time again?!”

  1. Auntie Angel May 5, 2012 at 12:51 pm #

    That’s my awesome incredible niece! I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH AND AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

  2. conservatarianthoughts May 5, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

    Nicely out Laura!

  3. conservatarianthoughts May 5, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    Nicely PUT Laura, Darned typo!

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