Thoughts on a Thursday.

12 Apr

I just want peace. That’s all I want right now. I’m just tired of all of this madness. I’m tired of having this constant feeling of unraveling, where I literally want to walk around my apartment and tear everything off the walls and shelves and just throw it everywhere for some sort of relief. I really can’t take this any longer. In previous years I might have been okay with feeling this way, with putting on a fake smile for everyone and lying to myself and to them that I have it all together. But I don’t. And now that I have gotten a taste of what it’s like to truly feel free & happy again, I refuse to settle for this horrible feeling inside. So I’m desperately trying to fix it, but I don’t know how. That’s where I’m getting tripped up. I KNOW that there is something better out there for me, I KNOW that there is happiness, and I KNOW that I don’t have to feel this way. But I don’t know how to do anything else but talk it out. I’m tired of feeling like I’m burdening everyone by unloading on them, because they all say they are there for me to talk to any time, but when I truly need it, there are very few who are consistently there. And I’m not even complaining about that because I UNDERSTAND. One night of staying up late to comfort me and keep me calm is one thing. But when it gets to be the second night, and then the third, and the fourth– yeah, I can see why you would choose to just not text me back this time. I’m fed up with myself, so I don’t blame you for being fed up with me too.

So I apologize to everyone that has been having to put up with that. And I am so so thankful to those of you that do. I just don’t know why this suddenly has gotten 500% worse. I mean, I kind of know, but that’s not enough reason for it to be THIS bad. It’s just not. And I have this slow, sinking feeling like I’m losing myself again. I hate it. I just want everything to be ok. I was doing so good about having true friends and not having drama this year, but suddenly I feel like bridges are burning at every turn. And I just want it to stop. I don’t even care what happened or why things became the way they did or who was at fault, I just want to be able to make up and put it behind us. I want to get along again with everyone who ever meant something to me. I don’t want to have to worry anymore about who’s saying what and who I can and can’t rely on anymore, and who’s hurting who. Because when it’s to the point of me missing class and not doing my work and basically never wanting to get out of bed, something needs to be done. But when I’m here by myself and am too worried about bothering people to reach out, it just builds up. Something in my brain is still all skipped up in the processing department. And when things get overwhelming, I can’t process what’s going on and I just get all frazzled and frustrated and feel like I’m going to explode.

This is why I write. This is why I need this blog. This is why I can’t just sort things out in my head, I have to get everything out. I’m sorry if it offends you or freaks you out or whatever. That’s why I come here. If you don’t want to read it, then don’t read it. But by you asking me not to write it, you are expecting me not to feel it. Not to process it. Not to understand it. Not to comprehend it. And I’ve learned enough over these last couple months from talking to many of you to know that we ALL have these thoughts deep down, most people just don’t ever speak up about them. I do, because I have to. And it’s my hope that putting these things into the light will encourage more people to talk about what’s going on. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that everyone always thinks that they are alone, that no one else has been through what they have. And that’s not true. In reality, everyone feels like everyone else, just not at the same time. But no one knows that, because no one talks. So even with me complaining about this and that, I know there are people far worse off than me, and if that’s YOU right now then I want you to know that I’m here for you too. I love literally each and every one of you. We’re all fighting some kind of battle, we all need each other. So, can’t we all just get along?

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