I hate this.

28 Mar

I hate how paranoid I get. I never used to be like this. But now I always assume the worst, I always assume all of these horrible things are going on. I literally worry myself sick. I have had such bad anxiety over the last week because of some stuff going on that I had to leave school early today and ended up throwing up purely from overworked nerves. I get to the point where my brain runs a million miles a minute, and even looking at someone makes me want to cry because I’ve already imagined all the things they are probably doing to hurt me that I don’t know about.

And by probably, I mean definitely. And by definitely, I mean the things my brain is convinced is true but actually have a really really tiny chance of realistically happening. I always think everyone is on the brink of turning away from me. You know that feeling where you lose your balance, and you are scrambling to gather it again and you aren’t sure if you are going to catch it in time or if at any second you are just going to crash onto the floor? It’s kind of like that. Like I’m always a split second away from disaster. From losing someone important to me. I have a hard time trusting anyone. Not because it’s anything against their character, but because I don’t feel like I am valuable enough to anyone to treat well. Like no one would have any problem crossing me because they could really do without me anyways.

That’s why I’m always so panicky. And why I’m always freaking out, jumping to the worst of conclusions, thinking everyone is out to get me. I don’t do it on purpose. I hate it and it drives me crazy. And if you think dealing with me when I’m like this gets old, just imagine how exhausting it is for me to live like this every day. I literally cannot handle it. I hate that I can’t look at someone and just trust that they aren’t doing something to hurt me. And I hate that I overthink and read into every little thing they say or do to find evidence that something is going on behind my back. And I hate that I am literally ruining friendships and relationships because of it.

I’m trying to deal with this. I honestly am. But I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. I’m just so frustrated with myself right now.

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