The Ruined Puzzle

21 Dec

“Maybe I’m too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you’re on my mind so
You never know

Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run

So I’ll wait for you… And I’ll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should’ve come over
Cause it’s not too late.”

Thank you Jeff Buckley. I love this song so much<3 I just had to share that.

I’m in a really frustrating place right now. What do you do when you want something so bad, and you have gotten so much closer than you’d ever thought possible, but then you get to the point where there is nothing more you can do? It’s like hitting this roadblock, where you are beyond the point of getting any closer to what you want, yet at the same time, you have come so far that you’d almost rather continue to ram your head into this brick wall than ever go back to square one. When you have spent so much time wishing for something, anything, but then when you get it you almost wish you could go back to being oblivious? Like, now that you got a taste of how good something could be, it makes it a hundred times harder to go back to where you started? That’s where I am. I don’t know what to think. I guess it’s almost like I had become so comfortable in the feeling of wanting something, that the feeling of actually getting it was almost worse.

Gosh, I wish I could explain exactly what I’m talking about because it would be so much more understandable. But I can’t. I guess it’s kind of like this– say you get this puzzle but you have no idea what it is a picture of, but you can imagine. You can’t figure out how to put it together, but you can assume it’s probably pretty great. Suddenly, pieces start to fall into place, and you get half of the puzzle assembled. And it’s this gorgeous display of scenery, and now all you want to do is finish the puzzle because you can see with your own eyes that it has so much potential, and it’s going to be incredible. Anddd then your dog eats the rest of your pieces and you have no hope of ever seeing the full picture, all you have is that amazing half of the image and you wish you hadn’t even seen that much, because now it’s just torturing you. All you want is to go back to imagining the whole thing your way, instead of knowing what it truly could be, but not being able to have it.

Okay, so that was a little dramatic for a story about a puzzle. But does that make more sense? I hope so, because it’s late and I’m being emotional and it’s the best I can come with right now. Interpret it as you please.

On another note, I’m super pumped to be home with the fam, my Nana from Arizona is up and it’s a crazy good time, she has got to be the coolest senior citizen I know :)

To update you on the deadly drug reaction syndrome, I’m pretty much back to 100% now, which feels pretty awesome considering that I no longer want to tear my face off every time I try to eat, drink, or be merry. Score! Just in time for all the delicious Christmas grub. And on that note, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas this weekend! Love you.

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